Holy crap, a baby!

I've been watching a lot of early-morning supernatural-thriller TV shows on TNT lately. Let me back up. I sell plasma twice a week at the circus, and the easiest time for me to go is early in the morning. Now let me back up on that one. People call it "donating" plasma, usually, but I get paid each time I do it, so I call it "selling", and the transaction doesn't literally take place at a circus, but in a building whose pay-for-fluids function is a draw for a crowd so eclectic that it could be compared to a circus troupe. And scattered amongst the beds we lie in while our blood is pumped in and out of us are monitors on which are shown whatever shows or movies the staff deem appropriate to subject us to. And early in the morning, those monitors are all tuned to TNT, who from around 7:00 am to at least 9:00 am runs a lineup comprised of shows that all involve a team of protagonists battling otherwordly, supernatural foes, usually with the help of their own supernatural powers (check your local listings).

I never go to the plasma center without an iPod and a book, as much to avoid getting in a conversation with a crazy person as to shut out whatever program's being screened. But I can't help but notice bits and pieces of what's being shown on TV while I'm there - there are like twenty screens in that room, for about 64 people. And I believe I have cracked the TNT Original Series formula for creating enough drama in any of these supernatural thrillers for it to live up to the "we know drama" assertion TNT so regularly makes (I know TNT asserts this regularly because I like to watch the NBA on TNT. I like how Ernie keeps those other guys on track). For the most part, from what I have seen, these series are built on a framework of television-grade storytelling (and not good TV writing, just regular TV writing), and colored with television-grade acting and television-grade special effects.

So, with so many lackluster elements comprising an underwhelming whole, what can be done to make these shows dramatic enough to deliver on their promise? I'll tell you what can be done: stick a baby in there. Just keep all the interpersonal intrigue and peril right where it is, but throw an infant right into the middle of it. The viewers will go, "Holy crap, a baby! What's that baby doing in there? Someone needs to grab that baby!" I know that's the response that will be elicited, because it always does that to me. This morning, for example, I had noticed when I looked up to stretch my neck that there was an malevolent-looking hag skulking around on screen, and I thought nothing of it. But the next time I looked up, that old witch was standing over a bassinet with a 6-month-old wiggling around in it, and I was immediately concerned about what was going on. I realized quickly that I had gotten hooked on exactly what TNT wanted me to get hooked on, and feeling a little foolish, I dropped my gaze back to Poor Economics, which is a darn sight more engaging than poor television. Then, thirty minutes later, I noticed that a frantic lady was being held against the ceiling in her house by some unseen force. No problem. Then I saw that she was suspended directly above the crib of a sleeping baby! Again, I was invested in a snap! Babies. It's just how TNT gets you.

But I've got something to tell you: SPOILER ALERT!!! The babies in these TNT ghost-witch shows are never in any real danger. No matter what happens, they come out untouched. Like when that hag was in that little boy's bedroom, the kid's sorcerer dad, imprisoned in another dimension, thought of his son, and the kid was suddenly enveloped in a glowing blue force field. Knowing this, save your time. Watch something else on TV at seven in the morning. Actually, don't watch TV at seven in the morning.