Two for Tuesday's.

Max and I were out on a going-back-to-sleep-after-a-day-rendered-very-irregular-by-lots-of-vomiting-made-him-wake-up-screaming-at-midnight drive in the car at 1:00 am, and we drove past a scrolling electronic marquee outside of a salon that read, "TWO FOR TUESDAY'S ON HAIRCUTS". The good thing about that advertisement is that everyone who sees it will (mostly) understand what message it is trying to convey. The bad thing about it is that a real person had to have programmed it, probably looking it over at least once and maybe even having a couple of other people pass on it before it was deemed street-worthy. The worse thing about it is that hundreds of people will drive past it, register it, and find nothing wrong. Why can't the English learn to speak?

Holy crap, a baby!

I've been watching a lot of early-morning supernatural-thriller TV shows on TNT lately. Let me back up. I sell plasma twice a week at the circus, and the easiest time for me to go is early in the morning. Now let me back up on that one. People call it "donating" plasma, usually, but I get paid each time I do it, so I call it "selling", and the transaction doesn't literally take place at a circus, but in a building whose pay-for-fluids function is a draw for a crowd so eclectic that it could be compared to a circus troupe. And scattered amongst the beds we lie in while our blood is pumped in and out of us are monitors on which are shown whatever shows or movies the staff deem appropriate to subject us to. And early in the morning, those monitors are all tuned to TNT, who from around 7:00 am to at least 9:00 am runs a lineup comprised of shows that all involve a team of protagonists battling otherwordly, supernatural foes, usually with the help of their own supernatural powers (check your local listings).

I never go to the plasma center without an iPod and a book, as much to avoid getting in a conversation with a crazy person as to shut out whatever program's being screened. But I can't help but notice bits and pieces of what's being shown on TV while I'm there - there are like twenty screens in that room, for about 64 people. And I believe I have cracked the TNT Original Series formula for creating enough drama in any of these supernatural thrillers for it to live up to the "we know drama" assertion TNT so regularly makes (I know TNT asserts this regularly because I like to watch the NBA on TNT. I like how Ernie keeps those other guys on track). For the most part, from what I have seen, these series are built on a framework of television-grade storytelling (and not good TV writing, just regular TV writing), and colored with television-grade acting and television-grade special effects.

So, with so many lackluster elements comprising an underwhelming whole, what can be done to make these shows dramatic enough to deliver on their promise? I'll tell you what can be done: stick a baby in there. Just keep all the interpersonal intrigue and peril right where it is, but throw an infant right into the middle of it. The viewers will go, "Holy crap, a baby! What's that baby doing in there? Someone needs to grab that baby!" I know that's the response that will be elicited, because it always does that to me. This morning, for example, I had noticed when I looked up to stretch my neck that there was an malevolent-looking hag skulking around on screen, and I thought nothing of it. But the next time I looked up, that old witch was standing over a bassinet with a 6-month-old wiggling around in it, and I was immediately concerned about what was going on. I realized quickly that I had gotten hooked on exactly what TNT wanted me to get hooked on, and feeling a little foolish, I dropped my gaze back to Poor Economics, which is a darn sight more engaging than poor television. Then, thirty minutes later, I noticed that a frantic lady was being held against the ceiling in her house by some unseen force. No problem. Then I saw that she was suspended directly above the crib of a sleeping baby! Again, I was invested in a snap! Babies. It's just how TNT gets you.

But I've got something to tell you: SPOILER ALERT!!! The babies in these TNT ghost-witch shows are never in any real danger. No matter what happens, they come out untouched. Like when that hag was in that little boy's bedroom, the kid's sorcerer dad, imprisoned in another dimension, thought of his son, and the kid was suddenly enveloped in a glowing blue force field. Knowing this, save your time. Watch something else on TV at seven in the morning. Actually, don't watch TV at seven in the morning.

Oh no, not father!

This is insulting, right? Especially to the memory of the guy who died probably a hundred years ago, and then a lazy stock photographer brought his daughter to the dead guy's grave and told her to pretend to be crying and then then they could go get some quarter-pounders. Describing that actually makes it sound like a fun daddy-daughter thing. I'll put that one in the idea book for a little later, when my own daughter is a) old enough to be really good at fake-crying, and b) old enough to want a quarter-pounder. Then we can go desecrate someone's grave.

Oocyte.

Why "oocyte", you ask? Why indeed. I was trying to send a text to my brother telling him how great I thought a picture that he had sent me was, and my phone's Swype® (I hate Swype®. It stinks. Give me a keyboard! I want QWERTY!) word-guessing engine saw me attempt to write the word "picture" and guessed "lingerie". "What a great lingerie!", I had just written to my brother. So I tried again. I deleted "lingerie" and swyped "picture". "What a great oocyte", my message now read.

Isn't Swype® supposed to guess the most commonly used words first? I know lingerie is popular with all the kids these days, but oocyte? What even is that? Just kidding. Everybody with access to Wikipedia knows that an oocyte is a female gametocyte or germ cell involved in reproduction. But how many people are texting each other about them? Certainly not me, especially with my brother, despite Swype®'s attempts to have me do otherwise.

KIDZ CHURCH.

Who sent this to me?

It's an invitation to the grand opening of The Rising church's (or maybe it's not capitalized, and "rising" is just employed as an adjective to describe the church? I don't know) Jonestown-style complex on Easter Sunday. I shouldn't have made that Jonestown reference. It was kind of funny though. But The Rising is probably not a cult. They do seem to like the rock and roll, though. What is most interesting about this is the handwriting on the envelope the invitation came in:

It looks kind of like grandma handwriting to me. But not that of either of my grandmas. So out there somewhere is someone else's grandma who cares enough about me to invite me to a new church. And also she goes to a rock and roll church, that puts an emphasis on avoiding "boredom, irrelevancy and judgment" (the rock music ought to help with that - also, isn't the concept of judgment at the core of Christianity? Isn't that why we're all being so good? I may be taking this out of context). Kidz church, indeed.

Holding a chicken.

There are a few things about holding a chicken that I want to address in this weblog post. These are by no means pointers - there are lots of places online where you can get more pointers on chickens than you could ever hope to put to practical use (unless you were a chicken scientist, in which case the more information the better, I suppose) - these are just observations.

Someone who has never held a chicken before, and is facing the opportunity, might be pretty excited about it, because for many people a chicken is something that you know is out there making the eggs you buy at the store, but is part of a simpler, rustic world far removed from our own. Of course, for most people on Earth, chickens are pest-pets who exist as a tangible part of daily life to make food and to be food. But the following set of thoughts is more pertinent to the ideologue who looks forward to holding a chicken as a way to grasp another life far past, a time when people were called folks and the only thing to fear was fear itself and twisters. Here is the truth about holding a chicken, darling ideologue:

- First of all, many chickens don't want to be held. In fact, many of them don't want hands laid on them at all. The ones who are okay with it usually do this cowering, submissive crouch as you reach for them, giving the impression that you can hold them, but it's going to make them terribly uncomfortable.

- If you manage to wrangle yourself a chicken who does not want to be held, you're in for a lot of frantic wing-flapping right in your face as she struggles to get free, and if you've ever heard any horror stories about the public health implications of pigeons, it will be hard not to imagine millions of lice zooming in every direction as the bird you're presently grappling with thrashes in your arms. Not that chickens commonly have lice (maybe they do, I don't know), but that image will probably be present in your mind. Especially after reading this.

- If you are lucky enough to have seized (or been handed) a bird who allows you to hold her, then what? There's not very much you can do with a chicken. I mean, it's not like you're holding a baby. So then you're just standing there holding a chicken.

So there you go. Food for thought.

Don't know what that means.

An email I recently received, interspersed with my own initial thoughts as I read it:


Thanks for the information. I'm a retired high school English teacher with thirty year's (years') experience working with adolescents. Actually, I was awarded Teacher of the Year by Betelgeuse School District in 1992... a while ago. Divorced seven year's ago, (Multiple ellipsis and "divorced seven year's ago"? I think this gentleman taught English to many of the other people I've received emails from.) I have three adult sons that are basically on their own (one lives in Russia) ("Basically" on his own - maybe this son lives in Russia with his mom. A lot of adults in Russia do that.) so I've had that experience as well... meaning the dynamic of single parenthood etc. I have a lot of spare time so I am curious about your program. I think I have three traffic tickets over about the last five years.... don't know what that means. (That means, sir, that you are not a perfect driver, nor are you very good at avoiding detection by law enforcement. Neither am I.) I'm an artist and would enjoy working with kids with art. (Does he mean kids that own art? I hope not, because those are hard to come by.) Do you have volunteers who teach classes? I'm not sure about the full year's commitment as I've planned on maybe traveling (He should go to Russia.) but I'm not sure about that either. Actually, I would like to maybe visit your facility and speak with someone in person. Thanks

-Supreme Vogon Prostetnic Jeltz.


This guy seems like a good guy, right? I'm going to give him a call. And I am being serious about that. We've had some fun with a few jokes, but now seriously I am going to call him.