Caesar's skills.

I just caught a trailer for the upcoming addition to the "Planet of the Apes" saga. "Rise of The Planet of the Apes" opens on [date] and stars James Franco, a CGI monkey based on the movements of the Gollum guy, and [actor]. The trailer I watched, while making me wonder how good this movie might not end up being, also revealed to me how little film studios believe consumers are ever thinking. You hear the voice of James Franco saying, with quite a bit of gravity, "Caesar's skills far exceed that of a human." Then you see the hyperintelligent chimpanzee Caesar writing his name in all-caps block letters with his finger on a touchscreen tablet. Okay. I am pretty sure I could do that. Also, I could do it wearing clothes that I put on myself. Also, I could just tell you my name instead of fingerpainting it like a five year-old. At the very least I would have to say that a more accurate assertion for Mr. Franco's character to make would be that "Caesar's skills are on par with that of some humans." And a more grammatically correct assertion would be that "Caesar's skills are on par with those of some humans." Far exceed?! Yeah, maybe if the human is ten months old! All those people do is hit their heads on everything.

What's ironic about my denouncement of this studio's disrespect for our ability to focus on and process the information presented in a movie trailer is that I had to see the trailer like seven times before I noticed anything funny about what was happening. The somber tone of Mr. Franco's statement was enough for me to feel like what he was saying was very important in correlation with what Caesar was doing. He could have said, "I can't have too much of this delicious watermelon because it will give me diarrhea." And if he had said it in that tone, I would have thought, "Man, what an amazing thing, that this monkey is writing his name." So I guess I am exactly as smart as the studio thinks I am. Unless you show me the trailer seven times in a row. "Jeez, this thing again? Hold on a second... aha! Gotcha, studio!"

Attention:

"Maybe I should take my car onto the freeway and then start texting." No, you should not do that! Just don't do it. Idiot.

This review may contain spoilers.

Below is the header for a user review of an episode of Futurama that was posted on imdb.com:

Tries to do too much in its' short runtime, but it does have its' moments.

24 June 2011 | by Robert (United Kingdom) – See all my reviews

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Spoiler! "Its'" (note the apostrophe after the "s") is not a word! Because "it" is always going to be singular! As soon as you get more than one "it" in a room, you suddenly have a room full of "they". And that's just how "it" works. It is a common mistake (I do it accidentally all the time) to write "it's" instead of "its", because we are used to the idea that to make something possessive, we need to add an apostrophe and an "s" to the end of it. So when we want to tweet about how amazing our new bike helmet is, and all about our new bike helmet's amazing properties, we will often tweet thus: "My new bike helmet is amazing, as are it's properties! <3" (That last symbol is, apparently, a heart. To me, it looks mostly like a "less than" sign in Math and a number three. Or a pair of testicles. Either way, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.)

If we tweeted this, someone would hopefully call us out and remind us that, because "it is" can be contracted to "it's", the possessive of "it" does not use an apostrophe. And we would probably get frustrated and complain that that rule just doesn't make sense. And they would tell us that they're sorry, but that's just the way English is. It's like this fancy, exclusive club where we do a lot of things that don't make sense, and even though some villager in Tahiti might speak a language whose rules are much more practical and uniform, good luck raising your standard of living to a "first world" level, villager, because to do that, it would really be best if you spoke English.

But I digress. I digress all the time. My brain is basically in a constant state of digression. Whatever. The point of this post is to applaud the innovative efforts of Robert of the United Kingdom to make "it" possessive. It is clear by the strategy he adopted that he knew that "it's" is not correct. So he went big and moved the apostrophe around to the other side of the "s". Definitely a bold move. He should have thrown the apostrophe out all together, but his boldness must be admired.

David Rodriguez

Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species! If you're reading this, Mr. Rodriguez, know that you did teach me something in sixth grade. Did you ever go on the Space Shuttle? I know you weren't an astronaut, or anything, but you always seemed like you would have done quite well on the Space Shuttle.

DON'T say that!

It just occurred to me that the overused assertion that "that person doesn't deserve you", used to console someone who's just ended a romantic relationship, is really of very little consolation. It may be comforting to someone who wasn't really emotionally committed to the relationship (like a pop star who was "dating" one of her backup dancers), but if there was any emotional sacrifice or connection, the last thing someone wants to hear (besides, "I just checked, and there is a woodpecker trying to build a nest in the top of your skull.") is that his significant other wasn't good enough for him. How is that supposed to help?! That's a vindictive angle to take, and if the person you're consoling cared at all about the other person, he will be feeling very tender and sad, and maybe even hurt, but not vengeful. If he is feeling vengeful, it is out of reaction to emotional pain, and you should not add fuel to that feeling. Do this person a service by avoiding the easy utterance of, "she didn't deserve you." Are you so thick that that's the only thing you can think of to say? Use your brain! Don't say that, you idiot!

Breakfast.

Yes, of course I want to have chocolate eclairs for breakfast! What fool wouldn't? (I think one of my work colleagues is planning on eating me. She has been fattening me up for a month now.) Bring on the eclairs!