Funeral hats

Here's a thing that happens to many people at some point in their lives, and they usually feel a bit badly about it. Imagine, if you will, that you see an acquaintance dressed more nicely than usual. You know how they normally dress, and to your knowledge, there is nothing particularly special about today. As a normal, marginally optimistic person, you will likely assume that this garb of respectability betokens some happy occasion. Perhaps your friend is attending a wedding later, or is preparing for a job interview, or has tickets to the opera. And that same normal person inside you will probably constrain your mouth to say something like, "hey, looking sharp! What are you all fancy for?"

But this is where the situation has the potential to go sour. If your friend answers, "I'm going to a funeral," don't you feel like a jerk-idiot? Yes, you probably do. It is in the spirit of this feeling that I propose a method of dress for funeral-goers that will help them avoid any extra pain at the hands of well-meaning (but ultimately insensitive) friends.

FUNERAL HATS

There is nothing about a suit and tie that tells you whether the man wearing them is dressed for a funeral or The National Dog Show Presented by Purina. He may be mourning the loss of a loved one, or maybe he is showing his prize collie who is named, not surprisingly, Angela Merkel (you thought I was going to say "Lassie", didn't you?). You don't want to hurt this man, you care about his feelings, but chances are you will say something like, "hey, are you showing Angela Merkel today? Good luck!" But imagine if this man were wearing one more simple item of clothing that would differentiate him from other eager dog owners while maintaining the dignity that a funeral occasions. Something like this hat:

This hat is unique. But it is by no means irreverent. It is shiny enough to look special, but modest enough to seem like it belongs at a wake. There could be no mistake where a man was headed if you saw him donning one of these. "He is on his way to a funeral," you would think to yourself, "I shall offer my condolences and then leave him be."

This piece of ladies' headware, modeled here by Miss Aretha Franklin at the inauguration of President Obama, is funeral-perfect. It is subdued enough in color to suggest the solemnity of remembering one who has passed from this life, but flamboyant enough in style to suggest that, while you may have just lost someone dear, there is still beauty in the world. And, unless you bump into Aretha Franklin on her way to President Obama's inauguration, you can be assured that a woman would only be wearing this hat to attend a funeral. And what makes you think you will soon be meeting Aretha Franklin? Who are you, Quincy Jones?

This funeral hat, while obviously less polite than the men's and women's models, is perfect for children. Kids don't like going to funerals. It makes them uneasy, reminding them of all the uncertainty in their lives. But if they have something intriguing to distract them, they can sit quietly through a funeral appearing all the while to be pious and contemplative. It will never be apparent that they're really thinking about how great it would be if they had a real pet shark who rode atop their head, helping them out of scrapes and offering words of encouragement. The gray tone of the hat will match whatever funeral attire the child is wearing, but also send a warning to all nearby not to mention anything that could set the presently sensitive child off (like "death" or "great-grandma" or "doctor's office").

Author's note: If the funeral is for the victim of a shark attack, DO NOT dress your child in his funeral hat.