Conversation killer.

You know how sometimes when you're with someone and you take a phone call, as soon as you finish the call the person you're with will ask, "who was that?" I just thought of a great way to kill that conversation before it starts. When he asks who it was, answer, "it was my proctologist." Now, if this person is the type to ask who you were talking to on the phone, he is also probably the type to ask if everything is all right down there. That is when you say, "I don't really want to talk about it." That should effectively nip any further discussion at the bud. I haven't actually tried this yet (I try not to take phone calls in front of other people, because many of my phone calls consist of me cussing out the jockey who rides the racehorse that I own) but I'm pretty sure it would work. And I urge you not to try to substitute "proctologist" with any other kind of doctor. For example, if you say dermatologist, and then tell the person you don't want to talk about it, he still might ask if it's a mole or sun damage or something. But anything a proctologist is looking at is going to be a lot more uncomfortable to talk about than sun-damaged skin. So he probably won't pursue it further. And that concludes today's lesson.

I told you Dick Bavetta would be back.