Ode to Cheeseball

O cheeseball! You are spicy! You are lovely! Whether it be a cracker or my finger that I dip into your billowing, almond-covered mass, the savoury reward ere you meet my lips is greater than sonnet can sing. O cheeseball, be mine! If I had to choose some substance in which to die a drowning death, put on the spot by someone who had the power to enforce drowning deaths, you, dear cheeseball, would be near the top of my list. Great cheeseball, live forever!!

The Hiding Keys

I just finished watching the pilot for the AMC series The Walking Dead. It is a pretty good show. It is about this cowboy in Texas who just wants to find his wife and son, and so he rides on a horse all around looking for them. He even rides the horse in a city! I think it is Dallas! And also, there are zombies in it, but they're not a main plot point. The zombies in Dallas are the worst ones; they know how to do traps, like pretending to be really dead when they're actually just "walking dead." I think the cowboy's name is Rick, but the credits at the end of the episode didn't seem to be backing me up on that. But Wikipedia did.

There is a part where Rick runs out of gas in his cowboy-police car (I know I said Rick rides a horse - just stay with me for a second) and so he goes off on foot to find more gas, or petrol. He finds a house, but there is no one alive inside it, so no gas for Rick. Then he sees a pickup truck parked in the driveway. And this is where we come to the point of this weblog post: Rick goes to the pickup truck, and like everyone in any movie or TV show ever, first checks the ignition for the keys. And like everyone in any movie or TV show ever, Rick strikes out at the ignition. So then guess where Rick looks? Comfortable to stick with what seems to work in every movie and TV show ever, Rick checks behind the sun visor on the driver's side. Of course. Thankfully, however, the cliche ends there! Rick DOES NOT find the keys in the sun visor! Which was awesome to me, because what schmuck really sticks his car keys behind the sun visor?! Does this driver never flip the visor down to use it for its primary purpose - shielding his eyes from the sun? I guess not, because if he did, he would have keys falling all over his head!

So I was thrilled when Rick found no keys hiding behind that visor. Especially because it made it necessary for him to ride the horse that was watching him goof around in the pickup truck from inside a corral. Then later the horse gets to have a spaghetti party with the tricky zombies in Dallas. So I'm joining Team Rick, because he not only slays whatever zombies crop up to try and ruin a perfectly nice scene, but he also slays movie and TV cliches. So far. I hope you find your family, Rick. I saw where they are in another part of the episode, but I won't tell you, because you need to find them on your own. So you can grow as a person.

World-class entertainment

Lunchtime at the office. From the cave that I sit in when I do my work, I can hear quite a ruckus coming from the front desk. I don't know what all those people are doing up there, but I do know that the last thing I want is for all of them to come back here into my universe. Let that be known. I am a lone coyote.

It's generally accepted that the NBA is the highest class of basketball on the planet known as Earth (yes, three NBA-related posts in a row! But I'm not a "jock". I'm really not. I think I'm not. So what if I'm a jock? What even does that mean anyway?! Oh, like a jock strap...). It has the best players, the best coaches, THE BEST REFEREES (I love NBA referees - especially Dick Bavetta) and the richest sponsors in the world. It's a cool thing.

BUT were you aware, dear reader, that it is not only in the genre of sport that the Association offers the peak level of entertainment? Without further ado, I present "Investigative Report: The Awkward Handshake", courtesy of timberwolves.com:




And as a bonus, a picture of Dick Bavetta:






















Don't think this is the last time you'll see this guy on this blog.

NBA League Pass Broadband Pass League NBA

See how I did the title like that? All-encompassing, in that it includes every combination (or at least two combinations) of the words "NBA League Pass Broadband"? It's so anyone Googling these words to try and figure out whether this service is right for them will hopefully at least have a chance to read this post before they proceed into an agreement with the National Basketball League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. See and there I just put in the title of that (classic?) movie to garner even more attention via Google. My motives are selfless. I just want everyone to know that they may want to consider NBA League Pass Broadband if they:

a) have lots of disposable income;
b) don't have anything to do with that disposable income;
c) love watching some basketball games. Not all of the games, nor the games played by local teams, but just some games by some teams you may or may not care about or even know anything about. Is "about" a preposition? I feel like it might be. If so, I apologize for ending that sentence with it, under.

So dig this. Before you sign up for NBA League Pass Broadband NBA League Pass Broadband NBA League Pass Broadband NBA League Pass Broadband NBA League Pass Broadband, read the fine print. For this reason I am not bitter. I locked myself into something I can't get out of (the NBA doesn't offer refunds if you choose to cancel your subscription), but I didn't read all the terms nearly well enough. If I had, I wouldn't have signed up. I just wanted to watch some basketball, okay?! I was spending the weekend at my mother-in-law's house, and I was at home with the sleeping babies while my wife and mother-in-law were shopping. OF COURSE I was going to rush through the terms and fine print!! I needed something to do! And apparently reading the terms and fine print didn't qualify as something to do... So yeah, my bad. But come on NBA. This kind of thing makes it look like you are just in it for the money. Are you listening, organization? Okay, good. Just know that I'm put off a bit. And just try to be more careful from now on.

Learn from my story, internet.

Also, when you're watching a movie, it's often easy to tell which parts weren't scripted. Especially when the actors aren't very good. Case-in-point: Venantino Venantini when he is disguised as a monk in "Final Justice". Don't worry about it.

Editorial note:

In the time since I posted this weblog entry, I have somehow secured a full refund from the National Basketball Association. So there's that glimmer of hope. Not sure how that happened, but it's apparent that someone up there is looking out for me. This seasonally-offered Pomegranate 7-UP's for you, David Stern.

Three things, quickly.

First thing. Who saw the Utah Jazz-Miami Heat basketball game last night? No? I'll fill you in. There was this part where the referees had to go over to the monitors on the sideline to review the instant replay to make sure they got the right call. I know! All three officials huddled up together, with their backs turned, ripe for the picking by their many rabid fans! But before you rush the court, screaming, "AAAAH! I love you, Brent Barnaky! You're my favorite NBA ref! I would die for you! MARRY ME AND HAVE MY BABY!!", be advised: the officiating crew was quickly surrounded by the bad-to-the-bone ladies from arena security! And though you may be tempted to pooh-pooh the threat posed by women wearing red miniature cravats and navy blue blazers, take a look at these action photos and tell me you don't think either one of them could knock you over if you tried any funny business:

For one bonus point, notice the intense gel-job on referee Ken Mauer's (#41) hair. It looks like a helmet.

Second thing. Canadian Neighbor Pharmacy. Their computer wizards in their fortress of solitude high in the snow-capped peaks of Manitoba hijacked my wife's email and sent every one of her contacts a link to their website, pretending to be her. Anybody familiar with this? The same thing happened with a guy I work with. I get this email from him pointing me in the direction of Cialis at wholesale prices! Yes, Canadian Neighbor Pharmacy, I have that problem so badly that I need to take like 32 different tablets for it. I don't know what I would have done had you not assumed the guise of people I know and trust to clue me in on all the crazy savings that were just a mouse click away!

Third thing. Twitter. Huh? I don't get it. That's right, internet zoomers, all you crazy kids with your widgets and calculator-phones, I don't get twitter. To me, this is twitter: "Harry Potter tonight, yo! #hogwarts #flickr.wizardnerd.44tunv%3 #movietickets", when what you really are trying to say is, "me and some of my friends from Biology 102 study group are going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 this evening, does anyone else want to go? Also, check out this link to a picture of all of us dressed up as witches and wizards for the movie!" To me the problem with twitter is that it never even seems to be directed toward anybody. I know there are exceptions, like you can send a tweet to the Diane Rehm show to tell her your hairbrained theory on why economic protectionism is the best course of action for America right now, but mostly tweets are just soundbytes that people put out there. Just floating out there for anyone to read, and for nobody to respond to or even usually give a flying rat's about. Maybe I'm missing the point of twitter. I personally believe that I am on to something with my cynicism. Please find below an illustration of the Cautious Carl model of social devolution:

Soon you won't have to worry about connecting with anybody via any medium ever again!

James!

You are going down, James! Yes, I'm talking to you, James Singer! You know what you did. So watch your back, James. James!!

Emergency Hibernation Meal Plan!!

Holy craa, it is snowing outside! I brought a rain jacket with me today, and thought myself amply prepared. That's fair because it was only raining when I left home. Maybe I'll just have to stay here until spring. Here is a list of the first five things I would eat, in the order in which I would eat them, to sustain myself if I was stuck in this office until spring:

1) The lunch my wife made me this morning (who makes spaghetti at 8:30 in the morning?! She is awesome!)
2) The lunches that everyone else brought with them today.
3) Wheat Thins. I'm pretty sure there is a box of Wheat Thins around here somewhere.
4) Co-workers. I would start with the ones who I know have gym memberships.
5) The bean and cheese burritos I stashed in the back of the freezer in case of emergencies.

The worst part of that scenario would be that when I was finally rescued, and reintroduced to the outside world, I would have to deal with the negative attention I would undoubtedly get because I ate someone else's Wheat Thins.

Also, no more really long weblog posts*

In further review of my posts from November of 2008 (or, the last time I posted), I have come to the conclusion that those posts were far too long. Especially the one about the old guy who got mad at me at the bank. Really flipping long. So no more of those.*


*Unless I'm in a "SAW" type of situation where I'm definitely going to die, but I have an internet access. In that case, you're going to get a very long post that's poorly edited and ends abruptly.

No more political weblog entries*

Yes, I went back and reviewed my post from election time of November 2008. Yes, I sounded like a wuss in it. Yes, I meant all the things I said in that post. But still kind of wimpy. Yes, I'm still happy with President Obama. No, I'm not as impressed with certain members of congress. No, it doesn't really matter what I think.

here comes a long sentence!

So, with the great advent of the 2010 midterms, the outcome of which will probably just make politics in Washington more frustrating (hear that, Tea Partiers? You did all this crazy-A stuff because you were frustrated, but it's just going to get worse, because now you've got everyone more excited about sticking it to the "liberals" than about solving problems. You've set the stage for some awesome sticking-it-to-the-liberals, so have fun with that. I know you will!) I am retiring* from (blogging about people whose jobs put them in the category of) public life. There you have it.



*Unless something really funny or awesome happens, like Christine O'Donnell goes on the record about anything. In that case, there's no telling what I might post. I can do whatever I want.