Three things, quickly.

First thing. Who saw the Utah Jazz-Miami Heat basketball game last night? No? I'll fill you in. There was this part where the referees had to go over to the monitors on the sideline to review the instant replay to make sure they got the right call. I know! All three officials huddled up together, with their backs turned, ripe for the picking by their many rabid fans! But before you rush the court, screaming, "AAAAH! I love you, Brent Barnaky! You're my favorite NBA ref! I would die for you! MARRY ME AND HAVE MY BABY!!", be advised: the officiating crew was quickly surrounded by the bad-to-the-bone ladies from arena security! And though you may be tempted to pooh-pooh the threat posed by women wearing red miniature cravats and navy blue blazers, take a look at these action photos and tell me you don't think either one of them could knock you over if you tried any funny business:

For one bonus point, notice the intense gel-job on referee Ken Mauer's (#41) hair. It looks like a helmet.

Second thing. Canadian Neighbor Pharmacy. Their computer wizards in their fortress of solitude high in the snow-capped peaks of Manitoba hijacked my wife's email and sent every one of her contacts a link to their website, pretending to be her. Anybody familiar with this? The same thing happened with a guy I work with. I get this email from him pointing me in the direction of Cialis at wholesale prices! Yes, Canadian Neighbor Pharmacy, I have that problem so badly that I need to take like 32 different tablets for it. I don't know what I would have done had you not assumed the guise of people I know and trust to clue me in on all the crazy savings that were just a mouse click away!

Third thing. Twitter. Huh? I don't get it. That's right, internet zoomers, all you crazy kids with your widgets and calculator-phones, I don't get twitter. To me, this is twitter: "Harry Potter tonight, yo! #hogwarts #flickr.wizardnerd.44tunv%3 #movietickets", when what you really are trying to say is, "me and some of my friends from Biology 102 study group are going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 this evening, does anyone else want to go? Also, check out this link to a picture of all of us dressed up as witches and wizards for the movie!" To me the problem with twitter is that it never even seems to be directed toward anybody. I know there are exceptions, like you can send a tweet to the Diane Rehm show to tell her your hairbrained theory on why economic protectionism is the best course of action for America right now, but mostly tweets are just soundbytes that people put out there. Just floating out there for anyone to read, and for nobody to respond to or even usually give a flying rat's about. Maybe I'm missing the point of twitter. I personally believe that I am on to something with my cynicism. Please find below an illustration of the Cautious Carl model of social devolution:

Soon you won't have to worry about connecting with anybody via any medium ever again!